snowdusk

blog

I'm Back!

2021-08-22 21:14:00 +0000
#personal

Hi everyone!

I'm back at SDF! I'm very happy that I am back. So much have transpired in the past month -- and all for the good. The reason for my departure from SDF was really unfounded. I allowed my paranoia and irrationality to dictate my actions at that time. In case you are not aware, I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD and I, most of the time, let it win and take over my life. I have received Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for it and yet I still relapse. It is very difficult to live a good normal happy life when you suffer from it. I think some of my reasons were valid for leaving last year but I could have resolved all of these right there and then through discussion with the people involved and yet I didn't. I let my impulses run amock.

Just this past month, I have realized that my state of mind and emotional state had been getting worse - spewing negativities and attacks towards people and group of people who did not share my values across social media and the Internet in general, redirecting my misery towards members of my family and the workplace, etc. I thought maybe all of these were the ones making my life miserable and perhaps I could turn all of these around and make them a bit more positive. A talk with one of SDF admins, smj, while I was assuming a different handle online, had also helped me realize the graveness of all these nonsensical madness. He reminded me that life is too short and why spend all your remaining energy into negativities? So, since then, I had been correcting all the mistakes that I have made in the past year -- apologizing to people I may have offended, deleting negative and attacking posts on social media, rekindling lost relationships, etc.

I have never felt this good for a very long time. I have been feeling happier these days. It was like taking a big heavy load off my chest (or shoulders).

I made a promise to myself that from now on, no more sudden drastic actions, block negative thoughts and try to practise a more positive and constructive way of thinking, no more speaking my mind out loud especially in social media, avoid sensitive topics (I have failed miserably many times in the past dealing with these so I think it would be better if I just avoid them entirely), and respect other people's values, religious and political beliefs and not force my own into others. For now I will work with these. I have recently adapted a new motto in life: "Just go with the flow".

You may already be aware that I have decided to take a break from my 4 day a week live radio show on Tilderadio (The Intergalactic Wasabi Hour). I have decided to do this so I could focus on many things that I have been neglecting due to the huge amount of time I spend on that particular show which include self-reflection, planning on my next career move, and just spending more time on relaxation -- just to name a few, and it's been helping a great deal so far. I still continue to stream "DJ Kyoko Time" and "DJ Kate's Tales From The Crates" on Tilderadio but these are more relaxed shows that do not involve a great deal of time and energy to prepare since they are shorter (half hour each), I stream the show live 2 or 3 times a week without talking on the mic and with minimal interaction on IRC, then add them to my repository for fully automated restreaming using cron. I even added a new impromptu open mic show on aNOnradio's open mic timeslot - "THE DJ LUCAS THE ANARCHIST SHOW" - only half an hour streaming once or twice per week. I really enjoy creating this content. I also restream and add new "DJ Daniel's Blast From The Past" open mic shows. I enjoy doing these so why stop streaming entirely?

I am also in the middle of a possible job/company switch. These past few weeks I have found a new job with another company. I have already accepted the offer and scheduled to start next month, however, I have a feeling my current employer will counteroffer. I'll see what happens tomorrow when I give my notice. So yeah, I have been very agitated, confused, uncertain and stressed out lately but I have been trying my best to just relax. I guess I'll let fate decide where my life goes -- I feel much better and less stressed out when I do it this way.

That's all for now. Bye!